F a l l i n g

I've gained 10lbs.

I've been stressed.

I feel a bit overwhelmed.

I feel.... and have been rejected again.

I think the last one is what really affected me. For me being fat has always been my excuse. It can't possible be me they are rejecting (it's the fat). It's not that I am not good enough (it's the fat). I didn't fail (it's the fat). I've embraced in several new journeys, tried several new risky things, had the courage to put myself out there. It's been scary and I think I'm sabotaging my diet in order to have something to blame if these things end badly.

My diet this week has consisted of Mcdonalds almost every day, no gym and calorie counting has been non existent.

I am scared.

I am sad.

I am disappointed.

It's amazing to see how much changes when you stop living a healthy life, not just your eating habits. I remember waking up feeling proud. Waking up feeling happy.... feeling confident.
I was approaching every occasion as something GOOD and with a POSITIVE outlook. Everything now seems like way too much.
Regardless of the number on the scale, that is what I fear the most. The darkness and lonely state I was in.

I want to live a FULL life.

I want to be happy.

This has got to STOP.

My schedule has changed so I can't take the same group exercise classes I was taking. I'm at school all day and lunch has been a problem. Instead of finding a way around this, seeing this as a new challenge and something I can conquer I have let it completely take over EVERYTHING.

I need to find new classes, either around school, or near home. I need to sit down and make a schedule (I am also falling behind in class). I need to investigate and potential lunch ideas.

YET I HAVEN'T.

"Change is just a step away from your comfort zone"

No more, I can't allow this to happen to myself any more.

Dizzy

I'm feeling dizzy.... and have been for the last couple of days.

My eating? out of control... to describe it one gigantic binge. It started about two weeks ago, after my weigh in. I only lost 0.8lbs and somehow that just triggered me to go CRAZY. Then my bday came, everyone kept saying how I should just "indulge" it was "OK" it was "my birthday". I didn't plan right, I should've packed snacks... idk... then the game.... we went to the "all you can eat section"... my friend was here, I wanted to fit in.... and before I knew it.... that day was ruined, I tried again the next day... and something happened again.... somewhere along the week i started thinking it was ok for me to just give in... just EAT as MUCH as you can today because tomorrow you're getting back on track. And that indeed I did. Mcdonalds pie's, ice cream cones, smoothies.... then the real problem started.... The purging.....

Ironically, that's what happened last time I lost a significant amount of weight.........

I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO WHO/WHAT I WAS.

I already feel more tired, I already see the change in my attitude. I DON'T WANT THAT.

Today, was bad...... pizza, cookies, chips, ice cream, double breakfast.... NO GYM.

In order to put things back into perspective, I think it's important to know WHY.

I'm afraid..... I've never been able to be this successful, I'm afraid of losing my security blanket, I'm afraid of not being able to use being fat as my excuse as to why "my life sucks".
This week I spent a lot of time with a high school friend, he made me feel like SHIT. He has the tendency of belittling me, and making me feel like my emotions are not important..... now that I think about it.... maybe it wasn't him... but me going back to that mentality, the mentality and feelings I had towards myself when we were friends, whatever the reason.... it made me feel like, my emotions, my needs were not important, or AS important. I started postponing my workouts, my meals, my schedule in order to accommodate him.That is not the life I want..... he's been gone for 24hrs and he hasn't even texted me.....
I need to not be afraid to put MYSELF first. I'm getting better, but I failed at it this past week.

I wanted to be done with my journey by September, The closer that got, the more real and achievable it seemed....Which would mean, I actually deserve something, I actually will finish something, I actually will be successful. Even though, I want that, I guess deep down, I feel I don't deserve it.

BUT I DO.

Will I reach my goal by September? probably not, but you know what? I'll be that much closer. If I continue like this I'll be that much farther.

I'm kicking things into high gear. The only good thing about my friend visiting is that he left me his bike. I've always wanted to bike to work, but everyone thought it was crazy. So far, the bike is a bit of a mess, but I'm doing it! I don't care what people say. I'm biking to work every day my schedule allows!

Tomorrow, is a new day and TODAY marks the end of my destructive behavior.
I may have not been able to put myself first last week, but TODAY I will.

realization

I've been complaining about not having a support system for a while now... How my journey would be easier if I did, etc...etc...etc

But after a very emotional conversation with my mother, one of which I decided to actually voice what I needed from her, I came to the realization that.... what I'm searching for won't come from someone else. The validation, the sense of worth, self-esteem... EVERYTHING.. needs to come from me. No one else can feel the void I feel inside other than myself.

I AM WORTHY.

Tomorrow will be a good day :)