F a l l i n g

I've gained 10lbs.

I've been stressed.

I feel a bit overwhelmed.

I feel.... and have been rejected again.

I think the last one is what really affected me. For me being fat has always been my excuse. It can't possible be me they are rejecting (it's the fat). It's not that I am not good enough (it's the fat). I didn't fail (it's the fat). I've embraced in several new journeys, tried several new risky things, had the courage to put myself out there. It's been scary and I think I'm sabotaging my diet in order to have something to blame if these things end badly.

My diet this week has consisted of Mcdonalds almost every day, no gym and calorie counting has been non existent.

I am scared.

I am sad.

I am disappointed.

It's amazing to see how much changes when you stop living a healthy life, not just your eating habits. I remember waking up feeling proud. Waking up feeling happy.... feeling confident.
I was approaching every occasion as something GOOD and with a POSITIVE outlook. Everything now seems like way too much.
Regardless of the number on the scale, that is what I fear the most. The darkness and lonely state I was in.

I want to live a FULL life.

I want to be happy.

This has got to STOP.

My schedule has changed so I can't take the same group exercise classes I was taking. I'm at school all day and lunch has been a problem. Instead of finding a way around this, seeing this as a new challenge and something I can conquer I have let it completely take over EVERYTHING.

I need to find new classes, either around school, or near home. I need to sit down and make a schedule (I am also falling behind in class). I need to investigate and potential lunch ideas.

YET I HAVEN'T.

"Change is just a step away from your comfort zone"

No more, I can't allow this to happen to myself any more.