I'm feeling dizzy.... and have been for the last couple of days.
My eating? out of control... to describe it one gigantic binge. It started about two weeks ago, after my weigh in. I only lost 0.8lbs and somehow that just triggered me to go CRAZY. Then my bday came, everyone kept saying how I should just "indulge" it was "OK" it was "my birthday". I didn't plan right, I should've packed snacks... idk... then the game.... we went to the "all you can eat section"... my friend was here, I wanted to fit in.... and before I knew it.... that day was ruined, I tried again the next day... and something happened again.... somewhere along the week i started thinking it was ok for me to just give in... just EAT as MUCH as you can today because tomorrow you're getting back on track. And that indeed I did. Mcdonalds pie's, ice cream cones, smoothies.... then the real problem started.... The purging.....
Ironically, that's what happened last time I lost a significant amount of weight.........
I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO WHO/WHAT I WAS.
I already feel more tired, I already see the change in my attitude. I DON'T WANT THAT.
Today, was bad...... pizza, cookies, chips, ice cream, double breakfast.... NO GYM.
In order to put things back into perspective, I think it's important to know WHY.
I'm afraid..... I've never been able to be this successful, I'm afraid of losing my security blanket, I'm afraid of not being able to use being fat as my excuse as to why "my life sucks".
This week I spent a lot of time with a high school friend, he made me feel like SHIT. He has the tendency of belittling me, and making me feel like my emotions are not important..... now that I think about it.... maybe it wasn't him... but me going back to that mentality, the mentality and feelings I had towards myself when we were friends, whatever the reason.... it made me feel like, my emotions, my needs were not important, or AS important. I started postponing my workouts, my meals, my schedule in order to accommodate him.That is not the life I want..... he's been gone for 24hrs and he hasn't even texted me.....
I need to not be afraid to put MYSELF first. I'm getting better, but I failed at it this past week.
I wanted to be done with my journey by September, The closer that got, the more real and achievable it seemed....Which would mean, I actually deserve something, I actually will finish something, I actually will be successful. Even though, I want that, I guess deep down, I feel I don't deserve it.
BUT I DO.
Will I reach my goal by September? probably not, but you know what? I'll be that much closer. If I continue like this I'll be that much farther.
I'm kicking things into high gear. The only good thing about my friend visiting is that he left me his bike. I've always wanted to bike to work, but everyone thought it was crazy. So far, the bike is a bit of a mess, but I'm doing it! I don't care what people say. I'm biking to work every day my schedule allows!
Tomorrow, is a new day and TODAY marks the end of my destructive behavior.
I may have not been able to put myself first last week, but TODAY I will.
