Day one- sort of.

Yesterday was a MESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I have been crying uncontrollably since last Wednesday. Saturday there was a huge fight between me and my mom's man.
All the feelings of feeling alone, not having a place here and rejection, feeling not good enough resurfaced.
I feel glad those emotions came out.
Yesterday my mom actually made an effort to make things better. That was unreal, she has never expressed such feelings.

Today i binged out of boredom. But i went to the gym and ROCKED IT. I feel better and i'm hoping tomorrow will be even better.

Small steps forward.

Little bit of the same

So, I've gained 20lbs.

Regardless, I feel so bad. I feel guilty and disappointed in myself. I fear never being able to conquer this. I fear always having this to fight.

I need to stop looking at this, as a mean of just getting thin.
It never has been about getting thin, I truly just want to be healthy. I want to feel good about myself. I want to feel worthy. No matter how thin I get, unless I start accepting myself and loving myself I will never be happy.

I'm sick of being the "smart" one. I'm sick of being the token fat girl. I'm sick of having to crack jokes about my weight before anyone else does, because I'm embarrassed.

I got into a fight with my mother's husband again. I keep holding on to the hope that she will fill this void inside of me. I keep looking for things to fill that void. My mother's acceptance, other people's approval. I will never find that. It has to come from within.

I had a hard childhood. I validate that. But I have to leave it in the past. I am not that fragile little girl anymore. That fragile little girl now has someone to stand up for her. That is me.

It's time I give myself the worth and attention I deserve. Eating chocolate, eating pizza will not fill that void.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be healthy. I deserve to move on with my life and be successful.